20 Mar 2024

How not to retire from the mating game

One frequently hears of both men and women who have given up on finding a partner, usually because their attempts at finding a suitable partner have been very frustrating.

Some people have genuinely lost interest in pairing up, often because they have other satisfying activities in their lives.  But I am talking here of people who have given up because of failure, not because of lack of interest.

I am reminded of them by the writings of Yael Wolfe, a frequent contributor to medium.com.  Her latest post is a long screed about how satisfied she is to be single. 

https://medium.com/wilder-with-yael-wolfe/an-ode-to-the-quiet-dignity-of-the-single-woman-25ef949c57b3  

It reeks of desperation.  She writes at great length in an effort to convince herself, it seems to me.  In her previous entries she has often mourned her attempts to find a lasting partnership with a man.  She has had relationships but none have lasted. And she really still badly wants a relationship.

I don't know her so have no real idea of where she has gone wrong.  I suspect, though, that she has set her sights too high.  She goes for men who are of a higher quality than is really available to her.  Her own qualities are not attractive enough to hold the men she aspires to.

So what should she do to enhance her lasting attractiveness?  I have no knowledge of her particular situation but I think there is a clue for us all in a story that a smart and attractive woman told me not long ago.  It is a story that could apply to both men and women, it seems to me.

It is really a simple story.  For background, the woman concerned was rather pretty and had a university degree.  She was in a fairly well-paid semi-professional job.  

The odd thing was that she had for a time been in a relationship with a working class man who had very little money.  How did he attract and hold her?  He did it by being very attentive.  He would listen carefully to what she said about what she liked and wanted.  So if she said she liked mangoes, there would be a mango or two on the table the next day.  

They were mainly little things that he did but he was simply very good at listening and finding ways to give her things she wanted.  She became quite entranced and for a time thought she had found a life partner.  So, as a certain cat has argued, being poorer than your partner or prospective partner is not necessarily  an obstacle to  a good relationship. 

https://youtu.be/i83EZLn76YM?si=RHZhgVfSmCR6dgxk\

A powerful affection can be created just by doing little things

Sadly, other obstacles arose in the relationship concerned which ended it, to the considerable disappointment of the woman concerned.  Last time I heard, she was one of those people who are "off" relatonships, but I hope that is not permanent.

So her personal story is in the  end a sad one but I think it does contain within it a a powerful account of how to create affection in challenging circumstances.

There are of course many other things that generate good relationships: Good looks, self-confidence and a good sense of humour being prime. But the power of attentiveness should be added to those.

I have myself retired from the mating game but that is because I already have a bright and good-looking girlfriend. And if a geriatric 80-year old like me can have a girlfriend, there is hope for everybody. There are some details of that relationship on my personal blog, in the unlikely event that anybody is interested:

https://memoirsjr.blogspot.com/

JR 

********************************************

This note originated as a blog post. For more blog postings from me, see
DISSECTING LEFTISM,
TONGUE-TIED,
EDUCATION WATCH INTERNATIONAL,
GREENIE WATCH,
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS WATCH, and
AUSTRALIAN POLITICS. I update those frequently.



Much less often, I update Paralipomena , A Coral reef compendium and an IQ compendium. I also put up occasional updates on my Personal blog and most days I gather together my most substantial current writings on THE PSYCHOLOGIST.



Email me here (Hotmail address). My Home Pages are here (Academic) or here (Personal). My annual picture page is here; Home page supplement; Menu of longer writings